This past week I was on the phone with a parent of a sixteen year old boy. They think he’s smoking pot and possibly doing pills. The boy’s mom told me about how she’s found empty baggies in his room, papers in his car and even some pill residue on his bathroom countertops. They didn’t know how to proceed because each time they’ve confronted him about the issue he’s gone ballistic. Passionately denying any use whatsoever. He even went as far as saying that someone must have planted the baggies in his room, saying that he would NEVER do something like this.
As she told me their situation I couldn’t help but be reminded of some of my early dealings with denial and bold face lies. I regrettably did the same thing this kid is doing to my parents. I pushed them into a corner, by manipulating and conning them into thinking that I was the victim, never the user. One time I was caught with a bag of weed in my Jeep and I vehemently denied it was mine. Making up a story ten levels deep about how someone was out to get me. Giving an Oscar worthy performance in the character I often portrayed, The Misery Martyr. This character ALWAYS blamed someone else and never accepted fault, responsibility or admitted guilt.
Does this situation sound familiar? Are you dealing with a child whom you think is struggling? If not, your kids may be too young, but sooner or later there’s a good chance you’ll find yourself in this same position. Either way, I’ve laid out a quick four step process that you can follow to find the truth in what can be a web of lies and manipulation.
1. Trust your Gut – No one knows your child like you do. You know what they look like when they’re hiding something. You know what it feels like when they’re lying to you. So trust your gut. If you feel like they are beginning to experiment then try and open up some communication channels and talk about it. You may find out some sad news, maybe they have tried something or are using on a regular basis. Either way, at least they are talking about it with you. That is always the preferred situation. The goal should be to create a calm, judgment free environment to discuss these difficult issues.
For some of you, this thought is long gone. Your kid sees you as an adversary and they are on mission to hide everything they can from you. This situation is more common, so don’t feel bad if you find yourself here. But the same principle applies. If you feel in your gut that something’s not right, then let your child know that. Tell them honestly and calmly what you are seeing and how it’s affecting their lives, your life and the dynamic of the family. If they still won’t admit to anything, move to step 2.
2. The proof is in the pee – Nothing answers the “What is going on?” question quite like the undeniable proof a drug test provides. If you really want to know what is going on, run over to Walgreens, pick up their standard $39 12-panel drug test and find out. Within 10 minutes you will know what’s really going on. This is the kind of accountability you need to be establishing with any child that’s using or beginning to experiment. By doing this you are letting them know that this is serious and that you will take a hard stance against this behavior. But before you run out and do that, make sure you read step 3.
3. Plan your consequences – If the results come back positive and your child is in fact using, what will do? Do you have a plan? Have you discussed the consequences with your spouse or the child’s other parent? Do you all agree? These are questions you need to have answered before the results come back. Make sure you sit down and plan out what the consequences are for your child if they are in fact using. Any hesitation will give your kid a way out. They will see a weakness and most likely will pounce on that weakness. You don’t want that. So be ready to dole out the punishment and make sure you hold fast to it. No letting them off the hook lightly. That’s called enabling and is basically a one way ticket to rehab at 19.
4. Accept with Grace – No matter what news you hear through the open communication time or what proof you find from the drug test. It is my experience that the best way to handle a newly discovered drug user or abuser is with grace and love. Yes, a consequence is necessary always and it needs to be a sturdy punishment. But you don’t have to get angry, yell and scream. I know there is a temptation to feel crushed. After All you’ve probably worked hard for years to try and avoid this situation and now you find yourself knee deep in something you never thought would happen. Well the same goes for your child. For most of them, if they were anything like me. They have no idea what mess they are in. A variety of circumstances could have taken place to lead them to this point. So the best thing you can do when you find out your teenager is using is to try and find out why. No one gets up in the morning and says today is the day I am going to get high for the first time. It doesn’t happen that way. It’s your job as the parent to find out what did happen. What is happening and then talk about how you can begin to overcome it.
This moment is a pivotal time in young person’s life. This conversation will set the tone for how serious issues are discussed in your family going forward. So wade through these waters gently and carefully. If I can ever help you with this, don’t hesitate to reach out. Here is my email: [email protected]
Hope is Alive!!
