Last June I was broken. At a life-enrichment training in Dallas called Discovery God broke me (for the second time) and gave me a vision of how he wanted me to lead for the rest of my time here on earth.
I’ve been a leader all of my life, from childhood on up to high school and into my early professional career and even more so now in my ministry. I look back on that time at Discovery as a marker in my life, a day that changed every day after it. Before that day, I lead a certain way. Often times arrogantly, with tendencies to be territorial and with a certain demand of perfection from my employees and peers. It’s clear now as I look back that those unflattering traits were driven by fear and insecurity. Not from lack of talent or capability, but more from internal doubts of myself.
I didn’t believe I was worth it.
I was afraid of messing up.
I didn’t think I had what it took.
I wasn’t smart enough, old enough, wise enough or experienced enough to be a transparent leader. To be a boss or counselor that had flaws or made mistakes. I thought I had to be perfect or at least portray some sense of “having it all together.” I couldn’t just be me. It wouldn’t have been enough…..But that couldn’t have been further from the truth. The point is I never had it all together. I still don’t! I never will! And that’s exactly what God was waiting for me to figure out.
It all began to change last June at Discovery. After walking through in exercise where I was pushed to take a good hard look at who I had really become, I painfully realized that my lack of self-worth and overall resistance to authentic relationships was drastically affecting my ability to lead. Therefore damaging the effectiveness of my influence and the ability to make disciples.
Some brave souls challenged me on this and at first I really resisted. I pushed back and went on about how I had done this or done that, boasting about worldly success. But they didn’t care. It was clear to them what was missing in my life and they loved me enough to tell me. I wasn’t willing to allow God to break me. I was stubborn and my faith wasn’t strong enough to just back up and say, “I can’t do this on my own.”
When the exercise was finished, the word broken was all over me. One of the leaders of the training told me after words that brokenness was beautiful. She explained that it wasn’t a flaw or malady. But rather a state of being that beckons towards humility, transparency, authenticity and an overall dependence upon God for every outcome. That is the state I strive to lead from now. A place where I don’t have to always be in control or be someone I’m not. I don’t always succeed. But when I do get there and I see how it allows my relationships to blossom I realize just how beautiful brokenness can be.
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor. James 4:10
Brokenness is beautiful. It’s real. It’s honest and it’s loving. It’s where I wanna lead from. It’s where I wanna live. It’s where I belong.
Hope is Alive!
