My Moment

“We do not remember days, we remember moments” – Ceasre Paverse

It was a normal morning. It started off just like almost every other morning had the previous three years.  I woke up blurry eyed, hungover, jonesing for something to take away the pain.

My legs were kicking and my stomach was aching. I took my time getting ready for the day, stopping every few minutes as my gut rejected all the previous night had forced upon it.

It was miserable, but it was normal.

With a hand full of pills in my pocket and a few more waiting for me in my top desk drawer, I headed out. A couple Red Bull pit stops later and I made it into work about 9:45.

Locked inside my office, my day began. Chopping, smashing and lining up 3 beautiful rails that would be my breakfast. A mixture of Oxy’s and Lortabs flew up my nose, at about the same time I heard a pounding on my office door!

My life changed in this moment. It was at this precise moment that everything began to change. It was April 6th, 2011. 5 years ago today. (click here to read exactly what happened)

I often ponder what God must have been thinking the days leading up to this moment. Was He excited? Was He smiling? Did He wonder what choice I would make when given the opportunity? Or did He already know? What did God think about this moment?

Of all my experiences the past 5 years, it was in this moment where everything stood in the balance.  I could go and open the knocking door, face the truth and begin to change. Or I could open the door, continue living in denial and run from reality like I had done for so long. This moment offered two distinct options. Freedom or continued bondage.

I’ve often said that what changed for me in that moment was the choice I made to finally confess. Instead of arguing over details or trying to manipulate my way out of it, I just admitted the truth that everyone else already knew. I was caught and it was time to get honest. It was my moment.

Since that moment at roughly 10AM on April 6th 2011 nothing has been the same. Life has truly been magical.

That magic moment brought so much truth into my life. I learned that confrontation breeds change. That God is not, was not and will never be, mad at me. I realized that He had a plan for my life. I began to see that my life was worth living and living to the full. I chose freedom and I’m so glad I did.

That moment changed me forever.

I believe moments like this happen every day for so many of us. I believe God provides “a way out” of pain, divorce, addiction, guilt, shame and resentment all the time. Sometimes it’s through people and sometimes it’s through circumstances. But the moments of change are always present. Freedom is always one moment away.

The question is, “What will you do with the moments God gives you today?”

Could it be that the life you’ve always wanted hangs in the balance of the choices you make in the moments God gives you today?

My life is proof that that is possible.

So make the most of the moments God gives you. Choose to embrace challenge, step into confrontation and as often as you can, confess you baggage.

Life is meant to be lived free. May you step into the moments that God gives you today and find the freedom you deserve.

Hope is Alive!


We All Need Recovery

For many years of my life I felt like Derek Zoolander did in this clip. It wasn’t because I thought I was incredibly good-looking or because I knew how to shake my stuff down a catwalk. No, I felt like this character because I had no idea who I really was. Many a night I stared at the mirror asking the same question he posed in this clip “Who am I?” Inevitably I always got the same response.  “I don’t know”…. (more…)

To Forgive or Not To Forgive? (Part One)

There was a time not too long ago that I prided myself on my ability to forgive. I built a season of my life around the phrase ‘radical forgiveness’. I tried to embody the phrase. Carrying it along with me through my peaks and valleys like that blue ribbon I won for high jumping 4’ 1” in second grade. I was so proud of myself for who I had become and even more for what I had overcome. And it was all because of forgiveness. Radical Forgiveness. It was a lifestyle that produced great results. (more…)

Why I chose to believe in God…

I think one of the main reasons why I chose to believe in God is simply because of this….

Even in my darkest moments, He never gave up on me and never stopped pursuing me.

It’s because of that kind of unfathomable love, that irresistible attraction, that I chose to love Him back. I knew who I was at that time of darkness and I knew I did NOT deserve that type of love. Yet He gave it, and gave it so freely. God was there for me at my bottom, at the end of myself His love was just waiting there for me. Not angry, bitter or telling me “I told you so”. Just smiling, ready to catch me as I fell and take me to the light.

If God chooses me even when I am immersed in sin and darkness and loves me enough to bring me out of it, then to me I have nothing else to say but yes.

Yes! I will love him back.

Yes! I will give Him everything I got.

Yes! Each and every day I will do my best to live in the light, not in the darkness.

Yes! I will tell others of what He did in me.

God loved me at my worst. That is amazing. Steeped in darkness, He reached down and gave me a new life. A life in the light.

This song from David sums up pretty well.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Psalm 139

Challenge: Ponder the love God has for you. Where were you when He revealed Himself to you? What has His love done to change you?

Hope = Life


What is hope?

Is it an emotion? A belief? A feeling?

How would you define it?

Is it inspiring? Encouraging? Propelling?

Sir Webster would call it a feeling of desire for a certain thing to happen. I would call it more of an expectation that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

If you really think about it, hope is a lot like air. Air is all around us. Air is not going anywhere and we need it to live. It fills the spaces between us and there is nothing we can do about it. Our bodies crave it, it is our fuel source. We need it to exercise, to eat, to sleep, to talk, to walk. In everything in life we need air! With every trigger in our brain that sets off the inhaling process we expect or “hope” that air will be there. We anticipate it filing our lungs, giving us energy, momentum, inspiration for the next moment in our life.

Conversely, without the appearance of air very quickly our bodies begin to realize its impossibility to continue. Without it we gasp, strain or maybe even beginning running to a place where we can find it. Our bodies within 90 seconds begin shutting down; if we are unable to find it within 3 minutes we are dead.

So what does this mean for you today? What do you take away from this analogy? This…..HOPE = LIFE

Just as we need air to live and we also need hope. Without either one, we have no chance of living. Maybe we don’t pass physically without hope in our lives, but spiritually, emotionally, psychologically we are done without it.

Hope gives us life. It encourages us, it gives us energy, makes us feel good. Our hearts and souls long for it. It fills up our life by bringing love and expectation. It helps us stay balanced and healthy. Hope bridges the gap in relationships with poor history. Hope enables us to believe that a better day is ahead. Hope reassures us that even in the darkest of days that we can overcome.

So wherever life has taken you, whatever struggle you may be facing, however big the challenge is before you. Today my hope is that after you read this, that hope will become alive in you. That your burden becomes a little lighter, that maybe for the first time in years you begin to believe that you can have hope again.

But where does it come from? How can you obtain a hope that you haven’t felt in years?

I know some of you are asking these questions. There is an answer. Over the next few weeks we will begin to unpack where we find our hope. How hope can change our lives and how we can pass it along to others. So stay tuned.

Until then, if you need some encouragement, a little shot of Hope. Check out some of these videos…

Hope is Alive!


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