Last week, I challenged loved-ones of addicts to find a support group.  Well near the end of a recent support group class I was hosting, we went around the room and recapped what everyone learned and some of the best takeaways. Here are a few quotes from the parents, spouses, and other loved ones who attended.
“I wish we had this class and learned all of this years ago.”
“The boys and all they had to say—I learned so much from them.”
“Tough love and setting boundaries are really important.”
 “Letting go is necessary.”
“Loved knowing about the ‘new language’ you need to learn to speak; I feel like pounds have been lifted off my shoulders.”
But on top of all these thoughts and feelings, the one thing we heard over and over, the thing that trumped all the good stuff and shone a light of hope on all the hard stuff, was a three-word phrase that almost everyone spoke:
“I’m not alone.”
I believe, to the depths of my heart, that the best medicine for families living with addiction, is that empowering, life-giving knowledge that you are not alone.
I’m going to say that again, because I want to make absolutely certain you can latch on to this truth and lodge it in the innermost part of your soul—that’s how important it is:
You. Are. Not. Alone.
In case you don’t know already, this is the guiding principle of small groups. The Bible is our best teacher of the value of the community, and the New Testament church showed us how to share not only in our blessings, but in our struggles as well. And when we can become united in our pain, but still under the banner of love, we can begin to find hope.
We find hope when we can sit among others who have the same struggles and victories as we do, and vulnerably share about what we are facing in our lives. We exhale deeply, shaking internally as we speak of the terror, the fear, the embarrassment, the confusion, and the doubt we feel…and then weep with strength as we watch as dozens of heads nod in agreement and tears fall in unison.
Then and only then can we grasp this majestic feeling of HOPE. Together we are
Holding On Praying Expectantly
So how do you find hope? You find help.
Help from God.
Help from others.
And yes, help through yourself.
This can be one of the most difficult lessons for a family member, or spouse, or parent of an addict, but it’s a hard truth: it is more important for you to focus on yourself than it is on the addict you love. Their health and long-term potential of finding the life-giving gift of sobriety rests on their ability to get healthy, but it also rests just as much on you getting healthy as well.
If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a hundred times. The addict goes to treatment, gets out and relapses. They fall further, cause more pain and then go back to treatment, get out and relapse again! This process is then repeated time after time after time. Except near the end something changes. The parents or spouse finally begin to understand the role they play in this diabolical drama, and they start getting help for themselves. They find a Celebrate Recovery meeting to attend, an Al-Anon group to be apart of, and as they begin to find health, miraculously, the addict begins to find a solid foundation of sobriety.
It’s hard to believe, but trust me this is true. An addict’s recovery is often time pursuant to the family finding recovery. Or better said, your addict finds HOPE, when you FIND HOPE!
So getting help for yourself must be a priority. In fact, I believe you should deem your health more important then the health of your addict.
I know that can seem counterintuitive, but it’s just the plain truth. And it’s okay to think that way! A lot of times people—especially people of faith—feel prideful or selfish when they prioritize their own physical, emotional, or spiritual health over others. But this is a fallacy! Jesus gave an explicit command to “love your neighbor as yourself,” but within that command is an implicit assumption: that you love yourself. You can only love your neighbor, your child, your spouse, or your other family members as well as you love yourself. And that means you must take care of you.
So it’s a new year and it’s time to be a new you. Take the step to find a solid support group right now.
You can register for my classes here.
You can learn more about Parents Helping Parents here.
You can find a list of al-anon meetings in your community here.
Lastly, if you love someone with an addiction I would strongly encourage you to pick up a book my parents and I wrote last year called Finding Hope. It’s full of useful tips, tools, resource and most importantly HOPE! Buy it here.