I spent so many years just wasting away with no purpose or meaning to my life. I just…existed. Took up space. Consumed air.
It was miserable.
Back then I lived with this feeling that I—by myself, on my own volition—was not enough. I believed I perpetually had to take something, drink something, or snort something to make just about any situation a little “better,” a little more “fun,” to get a little “higher.” And when I say any situation, I mean ANY situation…
Going to a football game- I had to get high
Making dinner – I had to have a few drinks
Sitting down and getting some work done – I had to smoke a joint
Going out with friends – I had to get ripped so I could be “myself”
Having my kids for the weekend – I’d better make sure I have enough pills, I’ll need the “energy”
Going to church – I better get a little buzzed I’d hate having to talk to people sober, plus the light show is so much better.
Going over to see family – I’ve got 7 pills in my pocket, that should get me through.
Going to play golf – I’ll tuck a spliff in my cigarette pack for the back nine
There were really no situations, no circumstances, and no events that I could handle sober. I didn’t know how to just be myself. I wasn’t very proud of “myself.” I didn’t think he had much going on. That guy—“myself”—he was a fake and a phony; a divorced, medicated dependent who was fiercely lonely and horribly afraid.
Do you ever feel that way? Like you just can’t handle reality? Like you need a break or an add-on to tolerate this life?
I think we all have our moments where reality just isn’t enough. When something deep inside us screams to run away, to flee, or to medicate the painful feelings into submission. Running from challenging feelings and awkward confrontation was second nature for so many years.
But here is the bombshell. Here is the revelation that might really change your perspective about sobriety, about overcoming fears, letting go over the past, or shoot, even about me. Here it is….
I still want to run away today!
Yes, oftentimes, when I am challenged, when emotions well up inside of me, when people push my buttons, or when life throws me a curve, I still have strong desire to run. To hide. To medicate. To get stoned. To take some pills.
To exit reality.
Truth is, I don’t think I’m the only one. In fact, I know I’m not. I spend too much time around people to know that most of us struggle to stay in the moment. It’s way too easy nowadays to run away—all we have to do is pick up that phone and instantly we are whisked away to an alternate reality or connected to the dealer of whatever medication gives us a temporary reprieve from ills.
But here is the good news. Today we can choose to accept that we are runners. We can vulnerably and honestly look in the mirror and be okay with who we are. Today acceptance is the answer to all our problems. Acceptance helps us recognize who we are so we can take the necessary steps to adjust and make alterations in the areas of life that don’t quite fit.
I know and believe with all my heart that even though its tough to be just ourselves, it’s exactly the medication us runners have been looking for. I am enough. And so are you.
