I know relapse can be a dreaded word, and it carries with it a lot of negative connotations, so let’s settle on a definition before we move any further. I believe relapse is defined as: “When, after a period of abstinence, a person re-engages in an activity that is painful to themselves or to others.”
Relapse, backsliding, setbacks, regression, falling off the wagon… it doesn’t matter what you call it or specifically what you are speaking to. The point is, none of us is perfect and we all have moments of relapse in our thinking, speaking, or even in our actions. The important thing to focus on is how you got about recognizing what you are doing and correcting your behavior so as to hopefully stop yourself from ever “taking that drink”, “binging”, “visiting that website” or doing whatever it is you’re trying not to do.
Contrary to popular opinion, relapse does not start when a person decides to start using again. It’s a long process of slowly migrating back into old behaviors, practices, or attitudes. Relapse really begins…
The moment they start to avoid accountability.
The times they skip out on your meetings because you’re “tired.”
The days they flip the channel to the free preview of the HBO show they know they shouldn’t watch.
The nights they ignore their sponsor’s phone calls.
The weekends they bail on the service work they used to be so committed to.
The moments they slip into negative thinking.
The stretches of time between their step work.
The days they fail to hit their knees in prayer.
The instants where they bury their secrets so they never see the light of day.
Relapse is a dynamic period of time. Its beginnings are eerily camouflaged, and its conclusions are oftentimes, public tragedies. Relapse can sneak up on people in their weakest moments, and lure them into poor patterns which lead to poor choices, which leads to pours, lines, clicks, and more.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. The more addicts know about themselves, the better chance they have of catching themselves in the act of relapse behavior before they fall into the act of relapse itself.
Below are the four most common areas of relapse.
Run through these list of potential relapse questions and pay attention to your responses.
Area 1: Relationships
Check your relationship with God. Are you purposefully seeking a relationship with God every day? Are you harboring resentments against God? Do you find yourself angry at God?
How much do you love yourself today? This will always be evident in your self-care. Are you resting? Are you exercising? Are you taking time for you? Are you forgiving yourself when you make mistakes?
When we are using and abusing drugs and other substances, on average, we hurt 21 other people. Are you hurting others again? Are you mindful when you hurt someone else? Are you making amends?
Area 2: Honesty
Are you being completely honest with God, yourself and others?
Have you failed to tell the full truth recently?
Is there someone you need to be honest with?
Do you have secrets?
Area 3: Delusions & Denial
Are you beginning to negotiate with yourself in order to do things you haven’t been doing or know you shouldn’t?
Are you criticizing others?
Are you thinking poorly about others? Being judgmental?
Area 4: Letting up on Daily Disciplines
Are you justifying missing meetings, daily readings, church or family events?
Are you procrastinating on step work or calling your sponsor?
Are you avoiding accountability?
If the addict in your life could nod “Yes” more often than “No,” then watch out: they’re in the Kenny Loggins Danger Zone.
That doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world and the definitive close to your loved one’s sobriety, but they definitely need to check their program, check their behavior, and talk to someone who cares about them (you, perhaps!). We are all just two choices away from relapsing, but staying true to ourselves and honest with others keeps us in where we need to be.
In the end, relapse is not some huge choice we make to drink, drug, or watch porn. It’s the hundred small daily choices to do the wrong things over a period time, which leads to that one huge choice. But the great news is that relapse can be avoided the same way that sobriety can be found: by making the daily choice to do the next right thing in every situation.
For more on relapse and how to read the signs, pick up my new book: Finding Hope.
