What makes an addict an “addict”? At what point do they cross the line? What does an unmanageable life look like? What percentage of their income do they need to start spending on their drug of choice before we call it a problem? Does it only become an addiction if they tip over into doing illegal things? What about smoking weed, is that okay because it’s legal in some states?
Is there just some way to know for sure when my loved one’s life has become unmanageable?
These are all great questions. But there’s no single answer to any of them. Every person’s situation is different; every addict’s story has its own plot twists and roster of characters. And because of this, I thought it might be easier if I just listed the top ten signs that you have a problem in your situation.
Now, you may see one or two of these, but that doesn’t necessarily mean your child, spouse, parent, or distant relative needs immediate intervention. You’ll have to use some of your own discretion to discern that or just call me and I’ll help you (405.996.8862). But these are good indicators that something is going on under the surface that needs attention.
Once we begin to see a problem come to light, it means it’s probably been festering in the dark for some time.
Think of a plant: long before you begin to see the fruit, you know there’s a lot going on underground: roots are forming and spreading, and more energy is pushing up out of the ground, from the dark to the light.
So let’s take a look at some common indicators that something awful has taken root in your love one’s life.
1) Dishonesty
Drug addicts have a tough time being honest. “Tough time” is playing nice, actually—drug addicts find honesty practically impossible.
My Dad commonly says that dishonesty is the number one trait of an addict, and I agree with him. We will lie about anything and everything. We’ll lie about our past, we’ll lie about our jobs, we’ll lie about our health, we’ll lie about where we’ve been, we’ll lie about where we’re going—we’ll lie about the weather if we think we can get away with it (or even if we don’t).
There are really no limits to our hypocrisy. We will lie about whatever, whenever, however if it serves our purpose.
But you probably already know this or you wouldn’t be reading this. Addicts are horrible manipulators, and we will let our dishonesty run rampant while we’re in active addiction.
It’s hard to really believe anything an addict says. So if you are early on in this journey and you are beginning to see dishonesty rear its ugly head, then be warned: it’s probably only going to get worse.
2) You Find Something
I’ve heard all kinds of stories on this topic. Parents and spouses finding bottles in the shower, weed under the mattress, pills swapped out and hidden in unsuspecting containers, and of course my old go to, hiding powders in my Carmex container.
Regardless of how creative your loved one can get, once you find something, it should be sign that problems are on the horizon. And furthermore when you find something on their person, in their car, in a pocket, stuffed in a drawer or anywhere else, it’s theirs. Don’t let them ever tell you otherwise.
We are the best finger pointers in the game, and it’s always easier to make our parents or loved ones believe that someone else is the problem and we just so happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Finding drugs, alcohol or paraphernalia of any type is a clear sign that you’ve got a problem.
3) MIA
Another telltale sign that something is up, is when your loved one goes MIA.
This seems to be fairly obvious, but you’d be surprised at the number of people who tell me, “Well, we haven’t seen him in a few weeks.”
“Have you called him!?” I ask. “Gone by his house, driven by his work?”
“No, we were just trying to give him space.”
C’mon, people! When you are in the stages of trying to decipher what is going on in the life of your loved one, not seeing them or hearing from them in weeks is a giant, blinking, warning light indicating that you need to do something. Especially when they start missing family functions or routine events that used to mean something to them (birthday celebrations, watching the football game on Saturdays, fishing with Dad, or any other activity that would seem out of character for them to miss out on).
Continued absence = problem.
4) Something doesn’t smell right
If they walk in your house reeking of weed, then you’ve probably got an issue.
If you don’t know what weed smells like, but they smell funny, then it’s probably weed. The same goes for cigarette smoke, which is often used to mask other drug smells.
Other drugs can bring smells as well. Making meth produces powerful odors that may smell like ammonia or ether. These odors have been compared to the smell of cat urine or rotten eggs.
5) Something doesn’t look right
Smell is just one sense that can tip you off that something needs to be addressed. Sight is another.
Even if you’re looking at the world through a pair of thick coke-bottle lenses, your eyes are great tools to utilize when trying to understand what is going on with your loved one. What do they look like? What does their physical appearance tell you?
Are their eyes bloodshot? That could be a sign of marijuana use.
Or you can determine other potential drugs by looking at the pupils. Some drugs, like alcohol and opioids, cause the pupils to constrict. Others, like amphetamine, cocaine, LSD, and mescaline cause them to dilate.
Police officers know this; some use it as one way of checking if someone is off their face. They generally look for pupils dilated either to less than 3mm or more than 6.5 mm.
6) Change in Influences
Looking back on my journey, I think one of my main early indicators could have been the change in my friend scene.
Toward the end of my time in high school, I practically swapped out friend groups in a matter of months. I went from the Normal Party Crew to the Excessive Party Crew. And on top of that, I practically moved in with this new group. I spent just about every waking moment with them, which meant I was getting high just about every waking moment.
This change in influences was a critical part of my path to drug addiction.
7) Isolation
Just as switching out friends was a great sign that I was changing inside, so was my sudden tendency towards isolation.
This doesn’t mean that plain old introverts are closet or potential addicts—some people just need to get away by themselves frequently—but as my addiction really began to settle in, I became more and more reclusive and isolated. I didn’t want anyone at my house and I just really didn’t want to be around people in general. I would make excuses to leave events early, or even better, simply never show up in the first place. If I did happen to get to work, I would shut and lock the door to my office, opening only for certain people.
The worse I got, the more isolated I became.
8) Money, Money, Money, Moooooney…..Money!
Yeah, this is a big one.
As drug use begins, or addiction sets in, the money requests skyrocket. And remember sign #1: addicts will lie, lie, lie to your face, and they will especially lie about why they need money.
Fundraising requests can come in a variety of dishonest ways; addicts will trade on their health, on their kids, on their kids’ health—I’ve done them all. I could go through hundreds of different types of specific scenarios, but I think you get the gist: when money requests begin to increase at the same time other suspect behavior increases, then something is probably not right.
9) Stealing
If we can’t get it by asking, we’ll get it by taking.
We will steal just about anything. It becomes a sick and twisted form of thinking that tells us: If it’s going to bring monetary value to me, then I have the right to take it.
In the midst of my addiction, I started jacking everything. Money from wallets, Dad’s golf clubs, Mom’s earrings, Sister’s pill bottles, Grandma’s hair looms, girlfriends’ purses, our employers’ printers, food from the gas station, TVs from Wal-Mart… if it wasn’t bolted down, and I was left alone with it, it probably came with me so I could sell it or pawn it to get my next fix.
If your stuff goes suddenly missing, your loved one might be in trouble.
10) Emotional Swings
Drugs and alcohol have the unique ability to shut down our emotions, turning addicts into cold, callous, manipulative, self-serving monsters. And then, in the rare cases when we allow the buzz to wear off, we can become over-the-top, dramatic, tear-filled, remorseful, and almost kind.
Should you see us in one of these non-buzzed states, feel free to enjoy it, but don’t for a minute think we’re all better. In fact, it’s these types of swings that you as the loved one need to be looking out for.
If you’re loved one is shut-off part of the week, and then bawling like a baby over the weekend, you might have a problem on your hands. Especially, if one of more of the other factors is simultaneously at play.
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While this is not an exhaustive list, it does cover the broader, more far-reaching signs that you need to be aware of. But while being aware of those signs is one thing, being willing to do something about them is something else entirely. To understand what to do next, how YOU can begin intervening or interacting with your loved when one of these signs becomes visible, click here to pick up my new book Finding Hope.
