During my decade long career as a hardcore drug addict, I put my parents through a lot of misery. I lied to them, stole from them, manipulated them and did it all in the name of getting high.
I was all about getting what I wanted, when I wanted it, how I wanted it. It was my world and I didn’t care what I did to those standing in my way.
Because of what I put my parents through and what I’ve seen working with addicts and their families the past three years, I have a special place in my heart for the parent or guardian of those caught in active addiction. I feel for them as they try to figure this thing out, struggling to make sense of what happened to that wonderful little child they raised.
Asking questions like: Where did he go? Why is she so different? And ultimately what did I do wrong?
I know as a parent, when my kids mess up I ask myself was there something I should or could have done differently. Did I do too much? Not enough? I know my parents asked these kinds of questions as well, grasping at anything they could to make sense of my crazy behavior.
It took me a long time to realize what I had done to those who loved me the most. You see, for me I had no idea how bad I had treated my parents until well into my sobriety. It took months of cleaning up for the old Lance to come back. The more and more I became myself the more and more I realized the pain I had caused. You see, most addicts have no idea what they are doing when they are using, because they have no idea who they really are. They are not themselves. And that’s probably the one piece of advice I give parents the most.
“Addicts aren’t themselves”
So if you are a parent in this situation, like my parents were, this is a great first step in coming to grips with how to best help your child. You need to grasp this concept, then you may be able to start helping them. Until you reach this crucial point, you are more likely to make the situation worse. You’ll spend day and night beating your head against the wall trying to help your son or daughter get better by loving them more, giving them more, changing this or changing that. But unfortunately, even when the intentions are good, the outcome can remain the same.
If this is you, what you need to hear is this: Your child is sick and they need help that you may not be able to provide. He or she is not a bad person, and neither are you. But your child has a bad disease that wants to kill them and they can’t beat it alone.
If you can get your mind around this thought, then it changes everything about the way you begin to parent a child in active addiction.
Every situation is different so I won’t begin to go into what to do next, at least not today. But I will say this, I am here to help and I want to help. I will do my very best to help position you to make the right choices and the tough choices that are best for you and your child. If I don’t have the right answer, I can give you the right resource to find. Call me, seriously I don’t mind. 405.996.8862.
Also, this Sunday at 11:00 I will be hosting an hour long session at Quail Springs Baptist Church for parents dealing with children who are caught up in drugs and alcohol. This will be a time filled with informative resources, helpful tips and education around these three areas.
– What should I look for?
– How should I engage?
– What should I do next?
If you are in the OKC area, come out and see me. It will be a judgment free zone. I promise.
