Occasionally at the Finding Hope Support Group classes I lead, we bring in a group of recovering addicts to tell their stories. The audience response to these guys and gals always blows me away. As much as I think parents and loved ones of addicts need to be educated to the disease of addiction, taught firmly about the perils of enabling or assisted in boundary setting sessions, it’s listening to the stories of addicts that seems to help them “find’ the most hope.
I think naturally we as humans learn most from the trials and successes of others. So today, I’ve provided a couple interviews from some addicts I know, in hopes of helping you learn more about what works and what doesn’t.
Interviews with an addict: The Enabled Manipulator
How did your parents or spouse enable your further in your addiction?
My parents and girlfriend, whom I had spent the most time with and in communication with during my using, enabled me in several ways.
How did you use your parents enabling against them? How would you manipulate them?
With my parents, it was very easy to ask for financial help, because they rarely saw me in person and didn’t know of my using after my first rehab. After turning down their offer of going to sober living after my first rehab, my parents basically set me out on my own. I went to live with my girlfriend’s sister as a makeshift sober living house where the “rules” would be the same as any other sober living home. Her sister and husband had no clue what a sober living house was, so getting away with the old habits was far too easy.
My parents agreed to pay for my “rent” at the house, so all I needed to pay for was food. I quickly began to establish connections in the area to begin selling drugs again to be able to pay for my own supply of drugs. Because this was all done through cash transactions, my parents again had no idea what I was up to. Daily I would be in contact with my parents and sober living guardians to reassure them that I was fine and remaining sober.
As my “six months of sobriety” came closer, I began to lose control of my game of lies. My brain was not where it had been before, and I found myself struggling to get through each day.
I knew that my constant manipulation was going to backfire on me soon. I was tired of lying and not being able to remember which lie I had told to which person. Eventually, the inevitable caught up with me and I got caught in my lies. I lost a job I loved, relationships I cherished, and the trust of every person I had considered close to me.
If I could go back to the day I went into my first rehab for help, I would do things differently.
First of all, I would have listened to the people trying to help, instead of manipulating myself, and then others, into what I wanted.
For parents, enabling can come in many forms, but you cannot let your child or loved one do the things he or she says will help them. In most cases they are wrong, even if they think they are right.
Make them do the harder things instead of going easy on them, because the harder things will enable more growth. More accountability and communication will further the addict’s sobriety, too.
I felt alone early on in my sobriety and wished I had more people considering my own feelings and ambitions. I wish I had been pushed harder to achieve the things I wanted instead of being let loose to figure out life on my own.
Interviews with an Addict: The Parent-Playing CPA
How did your parents further your addiction?
My parents felt guilty about their divorce and other things that had happened in my life, and out of that guilt they always gave me money or allowed me to take money I should not have been given, as well as making excuses for my behavior and not adhering to consequences.
How did you use your parents enabling against them? How would you manipulate them?
I would take anything I wanted by saying I needed it, or by acting like school was wearing on me and that I deserved it because I was working so hard at school and doing well.
How did your parents enabling prolong your addiction?
My parents enabling me allowed my addiction to go on for about 2 more years than it should have.
Did your parents ever try to put down boundaries? Were they successful?
Not really until towards the end. I went to Paris with my mom and brother, and I was on Xanax the entire trip; I was not easy to work with, and was very defiant. When we got back, my mom was very disappointed in me, but she never really cut me off from money or from allowing me to come to the house or anything like that.
What could your parents have done differently that might have helped your find sobriety sooner?
My parents should have cut me off from all money as soon as they realized how bad I was, and should not have bailed me out of jail, nor paid for my expensive lawyer when I got my second DUI.
I think part of the reason they didn’t do anything about [my problem] was that I was still doing so well in school, and they wanted me to finish school more than they wanted me to go to rehab.
Looking back on it, I don’t know if they made the right decision or not, because I do not know if I would have gone back to school after I went to rehab or not. On the other hand, if I had taken a break and gotten sober before I finished, I might have gotten a better job when I graduated, and been ready to take the CPA exam.
All I know is, things have worked out the way God wanted them to, and I am where I am today because my parents didn’t give up on me. The last bit of money they spent on me was to send me to rehab, and when I went in they told me that this was the only rehab that they would pay for.
This time it worked.
For more interview with other addicts pick up my new book, Finding Hope.
