Guest Post: Pam Lang
Read Part 1 here…
—
So what do you do?
I tried denial and found it to be awesome. I joke about having lived in six states, but the best of them all is the state of denial. For many of the years Lance struggled with addiction, we lived three states away. We would visit regularly, but really knew little about his day-to-day life, the pressure he lived under, the pace he kept. However…there were signs.
When his marriage began to fall apart, we blamed it on them being too young when they married.
When he began seeing his children less and less, we blamed it on it just being too painful.
When my brother, his boss, would complain to us about his work performance, we would blame it on an overzealous boss.
When my mother-in-law questioned us about missing pills after Lance would visit her out of the blue, we would blame it on her memory.
When our daughter called crying after childbirth because Lance was in their bathroom and now her pain medication was gone, I finally confronted him. He apologized, he said he was really struggling and just needed to sleep and I accepted his story… I loved denial.
I remember on one New Year’s Eve, Lance was leaving our daughter’s house to “go out.” I was recovering from a fall that left me with a cracked skull and debilitating headaches. I had fallen a second time as a result of the headaches and fractured my shoulder and my husband’s stepfather had just died. I was cognizant enough to realize this night, of all nights of the year, is a recipe for bad choices, so I tried guilt. I remember telling him I cannot physically take anymore, please do not do anything stupid, to which he responded, “I never do anything stupid, I always make good decisions.” And I blindly, ignorantly bought it.
My husband and I both knew he was in a bad place. Why didn’t we do something? That will haunt me forever. We were so spineless. We did not want to believe this was our son and this had happened to us.
I feel so much compassion and empathy for parents who, like us, are struggling with adult children making these choices.
What do you do? What can you do? We should have been more confrontational, we should have intervened, we should have stepped in and gotten him help… yet we remained in denial until that same overzealous boss, my brother, stepped in and said, “This stops today.”
What we should have done, we left to someone else. I have apologized repeatedly to Lance for this, and will continue to for the rest of my life. We knew… we lived in denial. The Bible recounts the story of Deborah in Judges 4-5. When times were tough in Israel the Bible says, “Deborah, a mother in Israel arose.” I should have been Deborah, I should have arisen and met the problem head on, yet I chose to live day after day in denial.
Would it have worked if I had risen to the occasion? Only God knows if the timing would have been right. I believe there are times when a parent can do too much and they have to let the addict hit “rock bottom.” I believe God did that with Israel on numerous occasions until they decided to look to him in repentance.
I remember after my husband and I moved back to Oklahoma after five years in Tennessee where he was pastoring. There were many reasons Wendell and I decided to move back, but a large one was the downward spiral Lance was on, and the negative effect it was having on our grandchildren. We wanted to be close to the situation and Lance refused to let us.
I recall one painful phone call I made to him telling him that I had his kids at my house and asking him to come over. I told him it had been five weeks since any of us had seen him, to which he responded, “Will you just leave me alone? I’ll call you when I’m ready.” I remember telling my husband, “Okay, that’s it. I’m leaving him alone.”
But in all actuality, I didn’t leave him alone, because that statement brought me to the most desperate prayer I’ve ever prayed. I have to admit, I was angry at God a lot! I screamed at Him as I recounted my resume to Him. “God, I have believed you when you said train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. God, I had him in church, I tried to live it out home, I did all the right things…” and on and on.
Why, God, did it get my son?
I had to come to the place like Job in Job 13:15. The righteous, blameless Job was suffering unjustly and had every right to be angry with God, yet chose to say, “Even though you slay me, I will trust in you.” I had to come to the place where my faith took hold and I believed afresh what God’s Word said in Genesis 50:20 that what the enemy meant for evil, God would and could use for good. I began to pray, “God, whatever it takes…take me if it will turn my son around. I am willing to die if it will get his attention. God glorify Yourself, God we will give You all the recognition, honor, and praise if You will turn our son back to you. God, please allow him another opportunity to serve You, to be a godly man, to be a godly parent, to proclaim Your message of redemption and restoration.”
And Praise the Lord, God got our son!
Please don’t think I’m being a Pollyanna. I know many people who have similar life stories that end drastically differently, that end tragically.
My heart breaks for you.
I know His thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and His purposes are higher than our purposes. I know we now live in part but one day we shall fully know (I Corinthians 13:9). I know He loves us and His peace is a peace that passes our having to understand (Philippians 4:7). And I know He can take our messes and make a message for His Kingdom’s sake. I know He can restore the years the locust has eaten (Joel 2:25).
In our family, God is restoring the stolen years in our grandchildren’s lives; God is restoring the stolen years in our children’s relationship; God is restoring the stolen years in our relationship with Lance; and God is restoring the stolen years of a wasted testimony and He is doing it in such an enormous way. God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we could ever ask or think according to the power that works in us (Ephesians 3:20).
—
If you happen to miss part 1 of this blog click here to check it out.
To read more amazing content from my mother pick up my new book, Finding Hope.
You can find all of my books here: www.LanceLang.com/books
