Over the past few days we’ve been working through a series entitled, “How To Know If Your Child Is Using Drugs“. In part 1, we discussed intuition, denial and learned that when it comes to discerning the truth, trusting your gut is the best place to start! In part 2 we talked about drug testing, the importance of getting a plan together before you confront your child and using professionals to help you navigate this treacherous road.
If you missed either part, you can catch up right now.
Just click these links: PART 1 PART 2
“How To Know If Your Child Is Using Drugs”
Part 3
As we close this series, I think it’s pivotal to provide parents with some gut level honesty. So here goes… How you initially respond to your child will play a pivotal role in their willingness to communicate with you about tough issues for the rest of their lives. This is why you must learn how to apply my final tip in this series.
Accept with Grace – No matter what news you hear through the open communication time or what proof you find from the drug test. It is my experience that the best way to handle a newly discovered drug user or abuser is with grace and love. Yes, a consequence is necessary always and it needs to be a sturdy punishment. But you don’t have to get angry, yell and scream. I know there is a temptation to feel crushed. After all you’ve worked hard for years to try and avoid this situation and now you find yourself knee deep in something you never thought would happen. Well the same goes for your child. For many of them, they have no idea what type of mess they are in. They feel just as lost and scared as you do. So ripping into them and inciting a battle royal is the last thing you need to do. That is if you ever want to have real, honest dialogue with your child.
When the times comes to have that painful conversation, I want to strongly encourage you to keep your cool, remain calm and please do not say something you can’t take back.
Don’t call them weak, lazy or a loser.
Don’t yell and scream about how you don’t understand.
Don’t tell them they’ve ruined their life. Or yours for that matter.
Don’t go off on what you used to do “back in the day and how you can’t believe they would do this…” it doesn’t matter what you used to do, it’s completely irrelevant. To them you are just old and out of touch anyway, so that hurts your case for solid conversation.
Don’t treat them like some type of outcast or screw-up. Did they screw up? YES! Do they need strict punishment and to feel the consequences of their actions? Absolutely. But they do NOT need to be made to feel like a second class citizen or a failure.
For as long as the situation allows, always accept them with grace and I promise you, you’ll have much more solution minded conversations. There may be a time when conversations are finished and it’s time to cut everything off and give some really tough love. But right now, you are not at that point, you are still in an exploratory phase and grace, acceptance and love should still be the order of the day.
Here’s the deal, a variety of circumstances could have taken place to lead them to this point. So instead of flying off the handle, the best thing you can do whenever you find out your child is using is to try and find out why. No one gets up in the morning and says, “today is the day I am going to get high for the first time.” It doesn’t happen that way. It’s your job as the parent to find out what did happen. So here are some questions you can ask… after you accept with grace and love.
Can you tell us how this happened?
Would you mind helping us understand why you chose to do this?
Are you feeling depressed? Are you scared? Are you hurting?
Why did you feel you couldn’t discuss this with us beforehand?
Is there someone pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol?
Is this something you want to continue to be involved with?
The more you can understand why, the more prepared you are to take the next steps.
To recap this series:
- When you begin to suspect your child is using drugs always trust your gut.
- Seek the help of a professional and a support group.
- Take their advice and suggestions and formulate a plan.
- Get the proof you need with a drug test
- Always accept with grace and love, this will help build trust within your child
- Seek out the answers to the “WHY” questions.
I appreciate you taking time to read through this series. The organization I founded works with families each and every day to help them deal with these tough issues. Please connect with Hope is Alive Ministries either through social media or by signing up to receive our monthly newsletter. HIA exists to help connect parents with the right resources. So if you currently have questions, concerns, need some advice or just need someone to listen. Then reach out, we are here to help you. Fill out this form to get started.
If I can ever help, don’t hesitate to reach out. Here is my email: [email protected] and a link to the books I’ve written about my addiction.
Hope is Alive!!