Last week I wrote about the Ten Signs Your Kid Has a Problem (with drugs or alcohol). Today I wanted to offer up more context around this specific area of interest, so I’ve posted the transcript from an interview I did with a great counselor friend of mine here in the OKC area. If you have someone in your family that you believe is struggling with drugs or alcohol keep reading. If you know someone who is walking down this road with a child, spouse or loved-one, forward this to them!
In your experience what are the early signs that someone is struggling with an addiction?
The most obvious sign of addiction is a change in behavior, or what might appear as a change in personality. These signs may include lying, stealing, lack of motivation, secrecy, new friends, an unexplainable increased need for money, and mood swings including irritability and paranoia.
Oftentimes, in addition to the behavior change, a physical change is observable as well, including decreased hygiene, acne, blood-shot eyes, decreased appetite often resulting in noticeable weight loss and dilated pupils.
What’s a common problem you see in the parents of those addicts who check into your facility?
Oftentimes, parents are seeking a diagnosis that can be identified and treated with a pill.
“Just tell me what is wrong with him/her so he/she can get better.”
Addiction can be a tough pill to swallow, pardon the pun, for many parents as they feel a responsibility for their child’s addiction. A mental health diagnosis is most often seen as no one’s fault and includes a recipe for “getting better, including a prescription”… in short, an “easy fix”.
I see all too frequently, parents and spouses wanting recovery more than the addict, and working at it harder than the addict. Over-responsibility of the loved ones is a common challenge.
If the addict is not sincerely more interested in his or her own recovery, they likely will not create sustainable recovery. If you are working harder than the addict, STOP.
Loved ones also seem to have a difficult time trusting the process. I recently had a father, who was a dentist, attempt to tell me what his son needed. We came to an agreement that I would not come to his office and fill teeth and he would not tell me how to treat his son for addiction. In the kindest voice I could muster, I told him if he knew how to help his son, he would not need me or Second Story Ranch as he would have already done it himself.
What are some common traits of addicts?
Addicts are some of the brightest, most charming members of the human race. They are usually smart as a whip, magnetic, entertaining… and full of crap. They lie to everyone and themselves so often, they [eventually] believe the lies they are telling.
On the flip side, they usually have very low self-esteem, oftentimes to the point of self-hate. They can be underachievers, finding meaning in very little. Spirituality is non-existent, and many believe there is no God, often taking on radical beliefs that are very different from the beliefs they have been taught.
One of the families I worked with that were of strong Christian faith, were baffled that their son claimed to be atheist and was against democracy. They could not understand his thought process, asking me and themselves, “Where did we go wrong?”
How can a parent begin to confront issues like dishonesty, theft, and anger?
One word: boundaries.
Do not start tolerating behavior that you have never tolerated before, and know that you should never tolerate. Don’t make excuses for the addict or yourself. Always, even when you want to wring their necks, speak to the addict with love and respect. Be intentional in the choice of your words and tone of voice.
Think about speaking to the addict in a way to bring them closer to you, not push them away. Develop agreements, (notice the word agreements, not rules) and establish consequences for not adhering to the agreements. Enforce the consequences every single time! Don’t set the consequences if you are not ready to enforce them. There’s nothing worse than a parent or spouse looking like a wet dishrag because they won’t keep their end of the agreement.
If you can’t keep your end of the agreement, you certainly can’t expect the addict to keep theirs.
If a parent were to call you today and tell you they think their son or daughter is abusing drugs, what would you tell them to do?
Find out for sure: get a drug test. Contact a therapist specializing in addiction that can help you navigate the conversation with the addict about the results. If you ask the suspected addict to take a drug test and they’re resistant, then put on your helmet, as the road ahead could be uncharted.
Go to Al-Anon and/or a support group. As a mother, Al-Anon kept me out of an orange jump suit …not a good color for me!
There is no such thing as too much support. Make no excuses like lack of time or not liking Al-Anon. The sooner you face the situation head on, the sooner you get to take the helmet off.
What is the best thing a parent can do to help their addicted child?
Pray for him/her and yourself. One of the things I pray for (as the mother of a 26-year-old addict who has been in and out of recovery since the age of 14) is to ask for words and wisdom so my son could hear.
In short, pray and get out of the way. Always remember, God loves the addict more than you do.
Be consistent in the love and care of your child… love them too much to participate in the behaviors of addiction.
Set boundaries. The addict must have an enabler to stay active in addiction… don’t be that person.
Go to Al-Anon. Get help, help, and more help… and support. You are not crazy, although you may feel that way. You will need words outside of yourself, your spouse/family, and the addict to hear and know the truth. Addiction really distorts reality!
Interview with a Counselor: Sheila Ridley, M.Ed., LCSW
[Note: Sheila Ridley is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker for the Second Story Ranch Recovery Community, and is certified by the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse for Residential Co-Occurring (Substance abuse and mental health) and Extended Care Provider. Find out more by calling 405-679-0023.
To read more interviews with drug and alcohol counselors, click here to pick up my new book Finding Hope.
