Today I celebrate 1000 days clean and sober. It’s been 1000 days since I had a drink or took a pill. Even as I type out those words tears begin to form in my eyes and fall down my face. I’m an emotional person to begin with, but today as I look back on all that God has done in the past 1000 days, my emotions are heavier than normal. I’m floored and overwhelmed at the new life God has given me.
It may not seem like a big deal to you, after all a large part of society doesn’t drink or use drugs at all, much less celebrate how many days in a row they abstain. But for a guy like me it’s a big deal. A really big deal. You see, for ten years its all I knew. I couldn’t function in this world without drugs or alcohol. I had no ability to cope with what reality threw at me every day. I was so insecure and afraid that I had to medicate myself just to leave the house.
I felt different than other people, like there was something wrong with me and what I found out through months of treatment and hours of intense counseling is that I was right. I was different. I am different. There is something wrong with me. I’m a drug addict and I am an alcoholic. But you know what else I found out? That its ok to different, that its ok to have something wrong with you, the key is accepting it.
Today I don’t have to hide from reality or feel insecure about what makes me different from you. I just accept that I am the way I am for a reason. I believe that reason is to help others come to accept what’s different about them. Because there’s power in that, there’s strength in acceptance, there’s authority in understanding your perpetual uniqueness. Acceptance allows you come to grips with what makes you strong and identify what can take you down. Capturing that knowledge can change everything about you. It helps you find that comfortable spot within your own skin that few seldom reach.
I wasn’t able to become “ok” with me on my own. Nor did group sessions, AA meetings or self help books get me there. What changed my life and allowed me to feel safe inside my own skin was purely and simply the understanding of grace. Out of all of the incredible gifts God has given me the past 1000 days, this one is what its all about it. Without this gift, without this understanding, I don’t become ok with me. I don’t make it 10 days, much less 1000. I’m dead without this gift.
This wonderful gift of grace. The one I didn’t earn and the one I can never lose.
1000 days into my journey, today the gift of grace has taught me this….
I know that God loves me just as I am. He’s not wagging his finger at me when I mess up, He’s not disappointed when I get out of line and He’s not in love with a future version of me. I am ok with God and God is ok with me.
With that I move forward one more day at a time.
