My good friend Floyd works down at Rob’s Ranch and I’ve heard him tell parents of addicts this about hundred times.
“The best thing my mom ever did for me was leave me in jail.”
Yea, pretty interesting thought huh? Especially to those reading this with children caught up in the grips of addiction. If that’s you, you probably wondered if you should have followed Floyd’s moms lead and done the same thing a time or two.
What Ms. Carter did saved her son’s life. But it wasn’t an easy decision, allowing kids to reap the consequences of their decisions is never easy.
But it’s often the best thing you can do.
A few days ago my eleven year old son asked me with tears in his eyes if he could quit his football team. He wasn’t getting to play and some of the kids had been giving him a hard time. He stared right into my eyes and begged me to quit. “Please dad!” he pleaded. In that moment I wanted to ease my son’s pain, to let him off the hook and give him a quick way to find relief. It seemed like the right decision, after all he was hurting.
But it wasn’t. It was the convenient decision. But it was NOT the right decision.
I could have let him walk off the field and instantly relieved the hurt and embarrassment he was feeling, but it would have only done so temporarily. Instead all I would have done is bail him out, set him up to be a quitter the rest of his life or worse yet, potentially crippled his ability to work through pain. I’m so glad I didn’t. Today he went back to practice and the character in his heart grew stronger, even if he didn’t realize it.
Bailing out our kids is a natural reaction. It makes sense sometimes. It’s simple, feels safe and is a quick fix. But it also carries with it a weight, a weight of enabling, that grows heavier and heavier as our kids turned to adults. And when you begin to enable your children, you begin to walk a fine line that typically doesn’t end well. I speak with families on a weekly basis, many of whom look me in the eyes and say, “I know I’ve enabled him, I know I’ve bailed him out one to many times.” Each time I hear this it scares me to death because this is a recipe for years of pain, guilt and treatment.
I get it; no one wants to watch their kids suffer. I’m sure Ms. Carter hated to see her son suffer, but her patience produced a man of character, endurance and hope. Sometimes the best thing a parent can do is just let go and let God do what only HE can do.
We celebrate in seasons of suffering because we know that when we suffer we develop endurance, which shapes our characters. When our characters are refined, we learn what it means to hope and anticipate God’s goodness. 5 And hope will never fail to satisfy our deepest need because the Holy Spirit that was given to us has flooded our hearts with God’s love. Romans 5:3-5 The Voice