On Monday, I talked about the hardest job I’ve ever had. Read it here or pick up part two of “What I’m Most Afraid Of” below…
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A popular verse in Psalms talks about mentoring and friendship, it says this: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another”. But what this verse doesn’t say is that when iron strikes iron, often times a spark can fly! And let me tell you sparks can fly around this house.
This type of combustible atmosphere is what makes this job so challenging. It’s also what makes accountability, raising children, leading people and helping a loved one in denial so difficult. But red hot confrontation is also what makes this environment and relationships so conducive to growth. You see when sparks fly, they typically produce a fire and although most people see fire as something that can kill and destroy, I see fire as something that produces new life, change and growth.
Here are three ways confrontation can produce change:
1. Explosions take place – When you watch a fire closely you see dozens of tiny explosions taking place. Pockets of air, gas, flammable materials are all responding with the flame and setting off chemical reactions. The same things are happening within a well-constructed confrontation. Both parties are expressing themselves and are most likely doing so freely. This is good. We need to let off steam sometimes. And as long as neither party gets too personal or malicious, then things are ok. These therapeutic explosions allow people to finally express themselves and feel as if they are being heard. Explosions are fueled by days, months or even years’ worth of baggage coming to the surface all at once, no wonder it sometimes seems as if it’s spewing out like a volcano. I encourage this to take place because the more negativity you are able to get out the more positivity you can pour back in. So when you are confronting someone allow them to express themselves, let them get it out and then if you need to express yourself, go right ahead. Politely of course.
2. The facts are found – Often time’s confrontation occurs because of misinformation and misinterpretations. What happens when two people finally sit down to hash things out is the truth inevitably comes to surface. The facts of the matter are found out by both parties. What really happened, how it made them feel, how it made you feel, who it hurt, what was really said, the meaning behind the words, the intention behind the action. It’s at this time that people are able to quickly see and hear the true story and decipher their wrong in the matter. If this happens to you, then you need to promptly admit your fault in the matter. If it happens to someone you are talking with then graciously accept their apology.
3. Your perspective changes – I have found that within every difficult confrontation I’ve had to make, there’s always this magically time when someone hears something for the first time. Now, they may have heard the same words or phrasing or story in the past, but there is something about a confrontation that bolsters your listening skills. Our senses are raised our emotions are on point and we are finally able to hear what we’ve been missing for months. This is the time when growth begins to happen. Our perspective begins to change, because we’ve allowed ourselves for probably the first time to see things from a different angle. Taking in someone elses experiences gives us understanding unavailable to us before. Growth begins to occur rapidly at this stage of the confrontation.
For most of us, confrontation is the last thing we want to do. We avoid it at all costs.
You may be facing a confrontation yourself. You know it’s coming and you are running scared. Doing anything you can to not see someone or face something. But let me encourage you to face what’s in front of you, there’s a reward on the other side of that confrontation. The fire you must walk through will produce new life. How it will happened I don’t know, but our job is not to have all the answers, but just to be willing to walk through the fire to find them.
-Hope is Alive
