When it comes to relapse, there’s a huge difference between someone who is early in their sobriety and those who have a few weeks, months, or years under their belt. No one is immune to relapse—“one day at a time,” and all that—but just like a newborn baby stands a greater chance of catching a cold than a healthy teenager does, those who are new to sobriety do run a more significant risk of relapsing.
When you’re learning to live sober, each day is a grind, and presents huge obstacles to overcome in order to stay clean. The smallest of disagreements, comments, or change in the weather can send someone spinning directly back to their old ways.
So you may be wondering: is there any way you can spot a potential for relapse before it actually hits? As it so happens, yes! As I’ve worked with different addicts over the years, I’ve come to notice three major signs that a person in early sobriety is headed down the road to a destination they want to avoid.
They Start Thinking They’re Really Special
Let me say this: everyone is special in God’s eyes. You are. Your addicted loved one is. I really hope you hear me on this so that no one gets me wrong or gets their feelings hurt. We are all beautiful, unique creations, purposefully created to do what only each of us can do.
But when it comes to the addict’s recovery, they need to hear me loud and clear: “YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL!”
Those who are early into sobriety simply cannot go out and do their own thing and expect it to work. There is a reason why they ended up where they did: because their way didn’t work! They need to get used to doing things the new way; a way that countless others have discovered.
See, there is a solution to the problems that those who are recovering from addiction encounter, and that solution has worked for millions and millions of other people. It leads to a life filled with purpose, passion, and joy! It’s a great life, but no one will get there by thinking they are immune to the rules, or that they can find their own way there.
Addicts: you cannot drag your old life into this new one; it has to stay behind where you left it so you can follow what has worked for others.
They Get In A Relationship
You know what the number one cause for relapse is? Romantic relationships. It’s the biggest issue among people early in recovery. Why? Because newly sober addicts are not emotionally stable enough to handle the rigors of relationships.
Good, healthy, long-lasting relationships take a lot of work, and for the early seasons of your sobriety your focus needs to be on you, not anyone else. That is why I fully subscribe to this tried and true recovery suggestion: No romantic relationships with anyone for the first full year of your sobriety.
Now, most of the people I work with don’t like this rule, but here’s what I’ve come to find out. The men and women who really want to stay clean will do what’s proven to work for other people, while the people who really don’t want it will think they’re special (see the previous sign, in case you’ve forgotten about it during the last few paragraphs) and go jump in a relationship.
Look, relationships are emotionally demanding and require a ton of hard work—and that’s when you’re sober! Addicts shouldn’t complicate their early sobriety by trying to cruise for their future spouse at an AA meeting. It just won’t work and is an extremely bad idea.
They Refuse To Tell Anyone They’re Sober
This is almost a guarantee for relapse: make sure no one knows they’re trying to stay sober.
Now, it’s not up to you to prod your loved one into telling their story of addiction and sobriety, or who they should tell that story to, but it’s a great idea to be aware of how forward they are being with their struggle. If they’re hiding it from everyone, not telling anyone at work or at church or at small group, then they’re pointing in the wrong direction.
I know that can sound a little harsh, but it just wears me out to watch people struggle with relapse time and time again only to find out no one even knew they were trying to stay clean in the first place! I tell guys and gals all the time: you don’t have to tell the whole world you’re clean like I did, but the more people an addict can tell about the new life they’re reclaiming for themselves, the more accountability they’ll have when it gets rough.
If no one knows, no one can help.
Historically, sobriety has been an anonymous journey. And trust me, I understand why it started that way. But in today’s society, I think that can be counterproductive and only ends up limiting the social protection for an addict—and for the family of an addict. Because you are not immune to the trials and tribulations of recovery, either. This is going to take a toll on you and all the other people who are in the same familial orbit as your loved one.
So just know: in the end, the more people who know what you’re going through, the more people can help you when you have to go through a rough patch.
For more on relapse behaviour and what to look our for with your child, spouse or friend, pick up my new book: Finding Hope.