Oftentimes, people will enable an addict because they’re codependent on them. Codependency is a word that gets thrown around a lot in recovery circles, and some people are certain they’re codependent when they aren’t, while others are certain they aren’t codependent when they actually would make a terrific textbook example.
So how can you know whether you’re codependent? You can start by answering the following ten questions:
- Do you seem to attract needy and dependent people and wonder why that always seems to happen to you?
- Do you find it easier to be more concerned about other people than about yourself?
- Do you find it difficult to hear and accept criticism, even when it’s given lovingly?
- Do you need or seek approval from those around you?
- Do you feel guilty when you can’t help someone that you feel responsible for, like you just aren’t up to the task?
- Would you rather give in to the will of others than defend yourself and stand up for what you believe in or demand what you want?
- Would you stay in a difficult relationship or situation because you’d rather deal with the pain there than change?
- Do you ever feel resentment for people when you help them?
- Do you have an undefinable feeling that life is cheating you?
- Do you have physical, stress-related symptoms like difficulty sleeping, stomach problems, tension in your back or neck, or headaches?
If you answered yes to most of those questions, you may be codependent. And if you’re codependent, you’re probably enabling.
So how can you know if your caring has turned to codependency?
Here are the eight most common characteristics of codependency; see if any of these sound like you.
Responsible
Codependent people feel responsible for others, but in a much more hyper, over-the-top way than your garden-variety responsibility. The codependent person takes so much responsibility that their own emotional well being rises and falls on the behavior of the person they’re trying to be responsible for.
Emotionally Confused
Codependent people have a very difficult time knowing how they feel. Ask them an emotion they might be feeling, and they likely will not be able even to identify it, let alone express it in a healthy way.
Afraid
Though they may not realize it at the surface level of their brain, codependent people are deeply afraid of being alone. This fear of abandonment leads them to dig in and stick with relationships that are hurting them, simply to avoid the isolation and pain that comes from being by themselves.
Perfectionistic
Codependent people tend to be perfectionists, holding up unrealistic expectations as a measurement tool for just about everything. But don’t feel bad—they can be just as hard on themselves as they are on everyone else.
Repetitive
Those who are codependent will often find themselves repeating relationships with other dependent people, whether those people deal with alcohol or drug addiction, or to more socially acceptable addictions like food and work.
Reactive
Rather than acting on their own behalf—because that might be too risky (and remember, they don’t know how they feel)—codependent people are reactive. They react to situations, they react to other people, they react to just about anything, because being reactive makes more sense than being proactive.
Condescending
The codependent person can sometimes adequately be described as “a hot mess”, because in the midst of their perfectionistic and reactive tendencies, they also often feel like a failure. But this is a deep sense of failure that works its way into their entire being, creating a low sense of self-worth and leading them to a great, yet unspoken, sense of condescension toward themselves.
Depressed
Lastly, the codependent person also often struggles with depression, and not the put-a-smile-on-it kind, but the long-lasting, medically diagnosable kind of depression that leads down many dark roads.
Now, just to be clear, you don’t have to be codependent in order to enable your loved ones—I would say neither of my parents really fit into the codependency box, but they managed to enable me rather well (which is something they’ll admit, right alongside the fact that they didn’t know what they were doing, and were just trying to do the best that their uninformed selves could do).
Nevertheless, if these aspects of codependency ring true to you, then you might be enabling your loved one as well. That can be a very, very difficult truth to accept, and believe me—I understand if you’re having difficulty with it. I know you love your son or daughter, your spouse, your parent, your family member—I know you want the best for them and want to help them in any way you can.
But I also know that enabling them is the opposite of help.
If you need help understanding more about codependency and enabling behaviors and you live near the OKC area I want to strongly encourage you to visit one of Hope is Alive Ministries support groups called Finding Hope. You will be welcome there, you will be encouraged there and you will begin to learn how to find a healthy relationship with the addict in your life. And once you get healthy, your loved-one will eventually find health as well.
click here to see a list of classes: www.FindingHope.Today.
Check back next week, when we interview a few addicts and allow them to offer up their experience on living with co-dependency / enabling partners. You can also stop by Amazon and pick up my new book Finding Hope, where you will find lots of interviews, perspectives and advice for living with, raising or loving an addict.